Dear people of the past,

I bring you a message of warning. You must not elect Ted Cruz to the U.S. Senate for in reality he is traitor to America. Ted Cruz has spent his entire life dedicated to a foreign nation. Ted Cruz is in reality, a Canadian spy!

Ted Cruz was born in Calgary, Alberta, Canada on December 22, 1970. It was on that day that baby Ted Cruz was seized from his home by the meese patrol of southern Alberta. Soon after his abduction, Ted Cruz was brought to an abandon maple syrup factory. For three months the Canadians made him punch a frozen beaver carcass in hopes of making him strong enough to survive dealing with the harsh, unforgiving, and merciless Texas public school system. After these horrendous three months of punching beavers to death and sleeping inside their now vacant dens, Cruz moved on to advance Canadian infiltration training.

After having spent four years in the premier Canadian moose wrestling camp in Alberta Ted Cruz was prepared to do anything it would take to take Texas for Canada. That was of course when he found out all of his Canadian training was for naught as his parents were enrolling him in the Faith West Academy in Katy, Texas.

When he moved to Katy, Ted Cruz began studying the natural defense of Texas, the Houston Toads. Cruz’s earliest mission was to discover the Houston Toads’ one weakness. Cruz’s confirmed that the Houston Toads were in fact amphibians. The Canadian Security Intelligence Service trusted Cruz with the most important mission in Canada’s history making Texas uninhabitable for the last native defenders of the state.
Cruz’s radical plan was to create a sub culture known as hipsters that loved flannel jackets and crappy music. The crappy music was a plus just to help Canada’s struggling pop music scene. The flannel jackets were of course to allow several legions Mounties armed with snowballs to hide inside Texas until they could use the magical Canadian snow to blot out the Texas sun.

This may surprise many of you who did not realize Texas had a second sun but those who live in Texas will finally understand why it is so goddamn hot all the time. Anyway Cruz’s plan to out the sun will force the Houston Toads into a hibernation that will last for a thousand years and since Rick Perry hunted the Red Wolves to death, and Sarah Palin’s personality killed the last of the horny toads, Texas will become a barren wasteland of cheap beer, cheaper beards, and Canadian bacon. This is only step one in Canada’s fiendish plan though. With Texas turned into little Quebec illegal immigrants no longer risk running into a flannel shirt or a wave of Eh?’s. This cut off the U.S.A.’s supply of janitors, farm labor, and bus drivers. The U.S.A. had no choice but to surrender to Canada when Cruz’s tax cuts for the rich destroyed the middle class and caused the deficit to grow exponentially.

Sincerely,
John Titor